We grieve as hard as we love.

That’s how I knew just how much I loved my spirit babies. My miscarriages felt unsurvivable. They devastated my soul. They ripped my heart open. They left me shattered. 

But I know now they also allowed me to rebuild.

There’s no way past or over grief, there’s only through. Sorrow. Rage. Guilt. Shame. Fear. Hopelessness. Joy. Peace. Hope. Through it all.

Through scalding hot showers on the tub floor with heartbreaking music blaring so I could allow myself to cry, scream, and let my rage out. Through replaying the day of my miscarriages—both from my husband’s perspective and mine—to release the grief and guilt I was grappling with while receiving compassion. Rejuvenating myself with daily nature walks and reconnecting with people brought me joy to find hope. It was through honoring and releasing my grief that I’ve been able to find the courage to honor my babies by living fully and authentically.

With each of my pregnancies, I felt this unleashing. A fire in my belly, newfound energy and joy, a deep knowing, and a sense of freedom. I felt more empowered to say “no,” trust my intuition, take risks, be afraid, and do the scary thing anyway, and advocate for myself. It was exciting and invigorating. Why am I not living life this way? What am I afraid of?

I didn’t realize the real me was hiding. I was conforming to what I thought I “should” be doing. I was just existing. I was stuck in this monotonous check-off-the-list routine with 80-hour work weeks.

Work. Sleep. Eat. Repeat. I wasn’t truly living.

I wanted more for the precious lives growing in my belly. With each of my little loves, I had a soul awakening that brought me closer to who I am and the life I want to live. I learned how to live authentically and take bold leaps, set and honor boundaries, practice self-compassion, communicate what I’m feeling, and ask for what I need. 

I felt this innate desire to show my babies who their mama was and all that she is capable of. They inspired me to be better, shine brighter, and dream bigger. They challenged me to take all of the risks. They taught me to not let fear cripple me—because I’ve survived the unsurvivable. They helped me find who I am past all of the societal conditioning telling me who I should be, where I should be in life, and how I should act. 

They taught me to not let fear cripple me—because I’ve survived the unsurvivable.

I made a conscious decision to leave my cushy corporate life behind for presence, joy, balance, and a lifelong dream of becoming a writer and publishing a book. I chose to put my health, happiness, and family first. Now, I feel like I’m breathing fresh air for the first time. I am unmasked. I am free. 

I’m so grateful to each of these precious little souls because they have helped me come home to myself. I’m now able to bring my truest self to motherhood—and I have their sibling, my little adventurer, to join me on that journey.

Adorning a shelf in my daughter’s nursery are two gemstone angels, one amethyst and one carnelian, to honor my spirit babies’ birth months. She glances up at them now and then with curious eyes. One day, she and I will have a conversation about the siblings that came before her, the beautiful souls that changed our lives forever. These precious keepsakes give me comfort and serve as a reminder of the joy, love, and hope we felt with each pregnancy and my choice to honor them by living my best, fullest life. 

My babies taught me how to live. Who I am. Who I want to become. And how I show up for life. 

I choose to honor my spirit babies with light, love, and joy—and that’s what I choose to bring to motherhood. 

Originally appeared in Golden Gate Mothers Group Magazine.